Andi’s Blog…or life according to the voices in my head…

I just read Sharron’s post on child leashes which reminded me of a radio debate I heard on my drive home yesterday. Apparently the DJs had gone to the opening of some swanky new joint in town and were horrified when another guest started breastfeeding her infant at the bar. One of these DJs is a mother of 2 and clearly stated that she wasn’t opposed to breastfeeding but that there are limits on what is socially acceptable. This started a tirade of angry calls from mothers claiming that these DJs were opposing breastfeeding and supporting “formula milk propaganda” when everyone knows that breast milk is much more nutritious for the baby. There were also several calls from stupid guys with comments like, “Sure it’s ok to breastfeed in public. Heck, anytime I get to see me some hooters I’m one happy sumonabitch!” The DJs tried to get across that they weren’t even opposed to public breastfeeding as long as the mother was discreet, but that there are places where it isn’t acceptable such as this swanky bar opening, and that this mother wasn’t at all discreet and totally exposed herself to everyone in the bar. People kept calling in saying that it was a natural thing and prude Americans should just get over it and that a mother has a legal right to breastfeed anywhere at anytime.

Ok, I’m not a mother, so I’m not sure if I’m qualified to speak on this or not. I guess my general opinion is that Americans are a bit prude, but I don’t see that changing anytime soon and a polite person will have the presence of mind to consider whether or not her actions would cause other people to be uncomfortable in certain situations. There are lots of things that are natural bodily functions, but that doesn’t mean that it’s acceptable to do them all in plain view of the surrounding people, and just because something is a legal right doesn’t make it universally appropriate. As far as the breast milk vs. formula milk argument…isn’t that what breast pumps are for?!

But let’s stop a moment and look at what’s really wrong with this whole picture and what not one single caller bothered to mention. SHE HAD AN INFANT IN A BAR!!! Not only do I find this completely unacceptable in terms of what is good for the baby, but I’m also quite fed up with having my adult time ruined because selfish parents insist on dragging along their rug rats to places that should be adult only venues. I’m not just talking about bars. I recently had what would have been an otherwise pleasant dinner in a somewhat upscale restaurant ruined by an adjacent table. At the aforementioned table sat 2 parents. 5 kids accompanied them, but none of these kids were sitting at the table. No, they were all 5 running around the table, stealing each others food, arguing, spilling drinks, and making A LOT of noise. As if this general annoyance wasn’t bad enough, they kept our poor waiter so busy that I never once got a refill on my beverage and we almost had to ask another waiter to get our check.

So, I guess in my opinion the best solutions can be summed up with the following words: discretion, breast pump, babysitter, pizza guy, child friendly restaurants with playscapes.

As a sidenote, I have a friend who’s currently going through tons of redtape so that he and his wife can be approved to adopt through the state rather than a private agency. They are having to take parenting classes, parenting tests, all of their finances are under contstant review, and even the size of their house and the condition of their neighborhood are heavily weighted factors in how many children they are allowed to adopt if they are approved at all. Happily, it looks good for them, but I can’t help wondering if we wouldn’t all be better off if they made EVERYONE get a “parenting license” before one was allowed to reproduce. Ok, ok, I know that’s a bit extreme and a little Brave New Worldish, but I still wonder…

It is true. I hate Jack in the Box. I am hard pressed to think of a worse fast food restaurant, yet somehow I still find myself eating there from time to time. This happened recently. I was rushing to get to an appointment, I was starving, and it was the only place to grab a quick bite to eat on the way. I guess the hunger must have temporarily blocked all memory of previous bad experiences at Jack in the Box.

I like a little light reading when I’m dining alone, usually in the form of the comics section of the paper. On this particular day I found myself without a newspaper or book, so I was forced to rely on the paper tray liner. I was expecting either nutritional facts about the food or some silly games and puzzles, but apparently that’s only McDonald’s tray liners.

Instead, I found Jack’s latest ad campaign for the “Jack Cash Card”. The headline reads “JACK CA$H CARD GREAT FOR GIVING” and then lists 52 holidays and occasions for which the Jack Cash Card (JCC) would be an appropriate gift. Most of them were bogus holidays, or at least non-gift-giving holidays: Save Your Hearing Day, Name Your Car Day, Stamp Day, President’s Day, Columbus Day, Arbor Day, etc. I’m not going to list them all, but I will point out a few and what message giving a JCC on this occasion would send.

Mother’s Day & Father’s Day – Don’t give your parents a JCC unless 1) you don’t like your parents, and then why waste $10 on a gift anyway, or 2) you have really crazy parents who LOVE Jack in the Box. If the latter should apply, then at the very least include flowers or some golf balls respectively. Interestingly there was a Father-In-Law Day listed, but no Mother-In-Law Day. Traditionally aren’t the mothers-in-law the most annoying? A JCC might be ok for that occasion.

There were a few professional appreciation days like Admin Professionals Day. I guess it might be an ok gift for those, but if you’re going to give your secretary a gift card to a fast food joint, why not a better one? National Nurses Day was listed and I guess that maybe Jack in the Box has better food than the hospital cafeteria, or at least not worse. This got me wondering about National Cardiologist Day (not on the list); a JCC could be a great gift for a cardiologist since this chain is arguably one of the institutions keeping cardiologists in business. In the employment arena, we also had Employee Appreciation Day – a JCC here says, “We appreciate all your hard work, but you’re not really moving up from here. Thanks for hanging around in this dead-end job so that we can profit from your sweat and tears!” and Promotion – I’m thinking they must be talking about the kind of promotion that comes with an improved title and more responsibility but no pay raise, “Congratulations on your promotion. We aren’t really paying you more, but have a crappy lunch on us!”

National Acts of Kindness Day – forcing someone to eat at Jack in the Box is not kind! Yo-Yo Day – never heard of it. Call me crazy, but wouldn’t a yo-yo be a better gift on this occasion?

The next set should be no brainers, but there are a lot of clueless guys around, so I felt I must include it. Anniversary, Valentine’s Day, and Wedding. DO NOT give your beloved a JCC on any of these occasions unless you are one of those losers who wants out but doesn’t have the guts to initiate the breakup and you’re trying to get her to break up with you. I’m also pretty certain that no couple has ever registered for their wedding at a fast food joint. I can’t think of a less appropriate occasion for a JCC gift, unless… Well, let’s say that you are totally opposed to the union…this may be a unique way to express your disapproval. If you don’t like the bride, give the groom a JCC and you’re basically saying, “In addition to her many other faults, I’m pretty sure she’s a horrible cook. Here’s a little something to keep you from starving.” If you don’t like the groom, then give a JCC to the bride and your sentiment comes across as, “He’s a self absorbed loser who will never take you out and will always be emotionally unavailable. When you finally discover that he’s banging his secretary and feel the need for some emotional binge eating this baby will be here for you.”

And finally, the holiday that inspired this entire post – Mortician’s Day. Ok, personally I have nothing against morticians. They are under appreciated and play an important role. It’s just that I can’t think about them without getting all creeped out. I could certainly never date a mortician; there’s no way he could passionately touch me with those hands without me thinking about where they’d been all day. Just the word mortician conjures up images of corpses on a cold slab and for that reason the word has no business being printed on a fast food paper tray liner. I don’t need those unappetizing images while I’m struggling to ingest already unappetizing food.

There was one perfect JCC occasion listed. “Hey, I got you a really great present because you mean so much to me…APRIL FOOL’S!”